On May 12 in Hamburg Fulham will be facing Atletico Madrid in their first European final in the club’s 131 year history. After facing relegation in the Premier League 2 years ago and having a rough time of it this year Fulham might well be the underdog story of the year.
ESPN recently did a segment on Fulham’s midfielder and U.S. National player Clint Dempsey and his improbable rise to being a Premier League player from Nacogdoches, Texas.
Wigan v Chelsea 3-1
And that was the sound of Chelsea’s juggernaut status grinding to an abject halt. Wigan managed to get their first ever victory against Chelsea.
Titus Bramble brought Wigan into the lead by heading a corner kick down to the front of the goal line where it bounced in past Cech who was clear on the other side of the goal. Bramble had not scored a goal in ten months.
Early in the second half Drogba brought the score level again with a cross from Malouda and at this point Chelsea fans were probably not worrying much. Oh, good old Chelsea, giving us all heart attacks until that last minute flick into the goal by Drogba, Anelka, or any of other eleven men. Except, Cech was given a red card for tripping Rodallega in his penalty area and off he went despite the kind of Chelsea uproar that would make G20 protester’s seem like wallflowers.
Chelsea were then reduced to nine men as Ashley Cole went off for an injury and all the Blues substitutes had been used at that point.
At 76 minutes Rodallega zoomed in a penalty kick from 25-yards and another Wigan goal was scored in stoppage time when Scharner punched in a cross from Figueroa. There will certainly be some celebrating in Northwest England tonight.
For a full match report just google ‘Premier League nuclear meltdown or Screams of agony and despair heard in West London.’
Manchester United v Manchester City 4-3
Not even two minutes in and Rooney tiptoed through a somnambulistic City defense and scored. Tevez was up field thinking, “Really?” Perhaps he was learning what is means to cry out for a leading role and then getting one while the team you use to play for fires the ball past your mighty expensive team. Is it me or does Man City look like a squad full of more players disgruntled with their former teams than any other?
Of course Man City did without the services of Adebayor due to his three match ban and Robihno and Santa Cruz due to ankle and knee injuries respectively.
Wright-Phllips had a nice run up the left but crossed too far ahead of Tevez for him to take advantage. Wright-Phillips was quick and perhaps too quick for his other team mates. I wonder if he would not be better used as a second striker instead of having Tevez forward all by his lonesome.
Man United supporters started an ironic chant of “Tevez! Tevez! Sign him on!”
Lescott sent a terrible ball forward that ambled into Man United goal keep Ben Foster’s feet who was not at all expecting Tevez to run at him and struggle for the ball but struggle he did. Tevez swiped the ball from Foster, spun around, and passed it over to Gareth Barry who sailed it into a completely unprotected goal.
Then the Man City supporters started singing “Tevez! Tevez! Sign him on!”
Wright-Phillips had another swift run up the right and lobbed the ball to Tevez who couldn’t quite get the angle on it and headed it high over the crossbar
Tevez slid in for a late tackle on Ferdinand and picked up a yellow card for his troubles.
Anderson (that’s Anderson Luís de Abreu Oliveira to you) fled the scene of his yellow card foul on Tevez but ref caught up with him anyway.
Toure ran the ball up from from midfield where it wound up with Tevez who was so close to a goal but hit the post – beautiful play until the finish.
Ryan Giggs curled a ball into the air where it stayed for quite some time before drifting back as if from a gust of wind where back on earth Darren Fletcher nicely headed it in bringing Man United up 2-1.
Five minutes later Bellamy, who was far out on the left, stormed through the Man United defense and scorched the ball into the far top corner; a beautiful goal for the Welshman.
At 58 minutes Bellamy picked up his own yellow card for fouling Anderson who went down clutching his shins until he was sure the yellow card was lofted into the blue sky by the referee.
The last third of the game saw Given a very busy man as Man United started to hammer away at the City goal. Suddenly it didn’t seem like a 2-2 game as Man United had the wind at their backs and Man City inexplicably deflated.
At 80 minutes, what seemed inevitable at this point, a free kick by Giggs was headed in by Darren Fletcher bringing Manchester United into the lead.
It wasn’t until 8 minutes later that Man City got their first corner compared to United’s ten but they squandered it.
And then. . .Bellamy rocketed up the left side ahead of the Man United defence, outwitting Ferdinand, and slid the ball in with his left foot bringing the match to 3-3.
The announced four minutes of over time began to approach five and then six minutes as City manager Mark Hughes started to short circuit with anger on the touch line. And he was well to be worried as Michael Owen pounded in a goal in the dying seconds. Mark Hughes was furious. It was a great, dramatic derby though with a lot of terrific goals. Tevez managed not to look too terribly dejected as he walked off the field.
Chelsea v Burnley 3-0
Like an old car on a winter morning Chelsea took a little time to warm up but when they did it was with all the rumble of a V-8 engine. At first they looked to score early on. Anelka ran at the Burnley goal with only Brian Jensen, the Burnley goal keep, in his way. And he ran at him and ran at him and then tripped over Jensen; Anelka probably thinking about the reclamation of space and time and other cotemporary ideas in landscaping theory. It was a good save by Jensen.
Burnley had an amazing chance 9 minutes in when Martin Patterson received a cross that left him with Cech slightly out of position but Patterson must have panicked a little and shot very wide.
Chelsea built a campfire in the Burnley box but it was a campfire they kept tripping over at first.
In added time Drogba zipped up the right side and crossed over into the box where Anelka, not at all lost in thought this time, slid the ball into the goal along with himself.
Right after the break Ballack headed in a pass from Lampard bring the score to 2-0. And right after that Cole had a short pass to Lampard in the Burnley box and Lampard passed it right back to him and Cole punched the ball in for a third goal (his third goal ever for Chelsea). Chelsea had scored 3 goals in 7 minutes.
Despite all that Jensen proved to be a terrific goal keeper since Chelsea made over 20 shots at the goal. Jensen, despite having a boyish, questioning look on his face at all times is called The Beast by Burnley fans (although not as incessantly as the match commentators; “The only thing in the way of the Chelsea feast is The Beast” – thank you ESPN). To his credit he never appeared shaken or lost. Jensen had the visage of a young miner – this is what we do – go down into the dark maw and we dig. Stalwart goal keeper.
The good news for Chelsea fans is that Drogba and Anelka are definitely able to work together this season unlike last where they appeared to occupy alternate dimensions when on the pitch together.
West Ham v Tottenham 1-2
A little darkness leading up to this match. Yesterday West Ham defender Calum Davenport and his mother were stabbed in their home and seriously injured.
Of course one can’t help but be reminded that Tottenham’s Wilson Palacios had his 16 year old brother murdered by kidnappers in Honduras in May of this year.
Despite this tragedy Palacios has been a terrific signing for Tottenham. Spurs have been red hot at the start of this season but West Ham were not being strangers to Tottenham’s side of the pitch. Although most of West Ham’s shots in the first half were taken at some distance.
Spurs appeared slightly more threatening but this match moved back and forth across the pitch like a tennis match
Both sides were lucky to get away with some cynical fouls as referee Mark Clattenburg preferred at first to give everyone a talking to, however, the yellow cards did start making their appearance.
Carlton Cole had some great plays in the Spurs box but kept getting smothered by defenders, particularly Bassong. Defoe didn’t really show up until the end of the first half.
The second half began with West Ham manager and former Chelsea player Gianfranco Zola still nervously rolling a golf ball in his fingers.
In the 50th minute, with his back to the Tottenham goal, Cole pivoted around a ball he had just stopped and fired a fast ball out of nothing into the Spurs’ net taking Green by complete surprise.
But Cole had a very strange moment 3 minutes later when he kicked the ball from above midfield back toward his side where it arrived at the feet of Jermaine Defoe who took the opportunity to score a point for Spurs. Just a bizarre move by Cole who could have easily broken left and evaded all the Tottenham defenders.
A green laser pointer played upon Assou-Ekotto’s back while he was throwing in the ball. The Setanta announcer referred to it as “those daft laser guns” and commented on what a danger to the eye the devices were and wished he could use a stronger description than “prankster” for the transgressor (Imperial Storm Trooper?).
Spurs scored their second when Lennon swiped the ball off Spector and swiftly struck it pass Cudicini.
Near the end of the match Defoe pulled on Faubert’s shirt but managed to injure himself for that. It was inexplicable that Faubert wound up getting the yellow card for what was obviously Defoe’s foul.
Tottenham held on to their lead and won their first three games of the season for the first time in 50 years.
It was Cole who really changed the mood of the game. First by scoring a terrific goal but then a daft laser gun of a shot back at his own side.
Manchester United v Birmingham City 1-0
Birmingham City had to face down Manchester United on their first day back in the Premier League. United hadn’t lost an opening day fixture since Ipswich Town beat them in 1972. Today they rolled out their 4-3-Rooney-2 formation as Rooney has been given a “license to roam” by Ferguson.
Birmingham never looked entirely comfortable but they still created a few chances and certainly their defense was a lot livelier than the undead corpses stumbling around Everton’s box yesterday. However, Joe Hart appeared a bit panicky in the first half of the game – diving whenever the ball came near him as if someone had yelled, “Incoming!” It’s not a mortar, Joe. At 32 minutes he blocked a shot, almost by accident, with his shoulder. Two minutes later though his luck ran out as Berbatov floated a ball to Rooney who headed the ball into the post and then popped it into the goal off the rebound.
Jerome sent a shot wide of the Manchester goal and the resulting corner had no love for Birmingham either.
Throughout the game the Birmingham forwards never really linked up so Manchester had the luxury of being able to neutralize one player at a time.
In the 74th minute Michael Owen came on waving his brochure at all and sundry.
A few minutes later Benitez grabbed a through ball and beat Manchester defender Fabio to make a composed shot at the goal that was ultimately tipped away by Foster. It was Birmingham’s best chance in the match.
In extra time Michael Owen had the Birmingham goal all to himself and, perhaps with his brochure flapping in his face, had a shot at goal while Hart’s boot, completely without the assistance of Hart himself, caused the ball to saunter off for a corner.
Tottenham Hotspurs v Liverpool 2-1
It was dull stuff for the first 15 minutes and then only broken up by team mates Skrtel and Carragher ramming their heads into each other such was their lust for the ball.
Carragher came back on with a white bandage around his head and blood behind his ears while the right side of Skrtel’s face was obviously hurting him a great deal.
Spur’s Lennon then got a yellow card from a bad challenge on Skrtel who was taking a worse beating than Bruce Campbell in Evil Dead II. Skrtel ran off the field in order to ask the two Rafa Benítez’s if it was ok to keep playing and they both said yes. If he had come back on the pitch with a chain saw instead of a hand at the point it certainly would have done a lot to make this first half more exciting.
Javier Mascherano collided with Lennon and was booked.
The medical staff, 30 minutes in, were the busiest men on the pitch.
Spurs got a free kick just before half-time which was initially blocked but then torched into the goal from 22 yards by Assou-Ekotto which finally lifted the game from the turgid mass it had been; as shapeless and flaccid as a Sarah Palin speech.
Things improved in the second half. Spur’s Aaron Lennon had a terrific 50 yard run into the Liverpool box but stumbled on the ball at the last moment.
Palacios fired one in that Reina deflected over the crossbar with his fingertips.
Gomes, with some thuggish goal keeping, rashly lunged at Glen Johnson and got booked. Gerrard took a penalty kick which he fired straight and high at Gomes who dived right while the ball bounced down from the crossbar and brought the score level.
Carragher clotheslined Defoe and got booked. 3 minutes after Gerrard’s penalty, Modric’s free kick floated into the Liverpool penalty area and was headed in by Sebastien Bassong.
Keane had a couple of strikes at goal but nothing came of them and in the 67th minute Yossi Benayoun came on for Liverpool and Peter Crouch for Spurs, looking together like Jack and the Beanstalk.
5 minutes toward the end of regular time Assou-Ekotto was lucky to get away with shoving Voronin out of the way as Voronin was driving the ball through the Spur’s penalty area.
Six yellow cards were handed out for this match.
Everton v Arsenal 1-6
Afros, mohawks, braids – the full arsenal of Premier League hairstyles was on display in this game.
The game oozed along for the first 24 minutes with Arsenal commanding possession until Denilson zipped a 25 yard shot over Tim Howard’s fingers.
Everton moved up often but never formed a coherent attack, always dissolving in the penalty area. Fellaini almost headed one in on an Everton corner but it was blocked right on the line by Denilson.
In the 35th minute Arsenal scored again when Bendtner had a free kick from so far out the ball was getting frequent flyer miles and then was nicely headed into the goal by Vermaelen who had more space around him than a three day old dead goat.
Mere minutes after another Arsenal free kick by Fabregas was headed in by Gallas.
By half-time Tim Howard was having a “Oh we just robbed a bank and it backfired and now we are lying around an abandoned warehouse bleeding to death” type of bad day.
And it got worse when Fabregas scored immediately in the second half making the score 4-0 Arsenal. Everton’s deficit threatened to eclipse the United States at this point. The next time I see a man raving to himself in New York I am going to imagine he used to be an goal keeper and is actually paranoid about his team’s porous defense. For some bizarre reason Arsène Wenger still looked eaten up by stress and worry even though his team was beating Everton like a narc at a biker rally.
And to make Wenger look even more disingenuous, Fabregras pounded his second goal in in the 69th minute while Everton’s fans flowed out of Goodison Park as if the stands were on fire.
In the 88th minute Arshavin bounced one off the post and it was poached into the goal by Eduardo bringing the score to a humiliating 6-0.
Finally – in extra time – Everton’s Saha scored a goal with about as much celebration as a Gulag prisoner being released at age 95 after a lifetime of imprisonment. A terrible show from the team that finished 5th in the Premier League last season.
Lescott really must be dreaming of a transfer to Manchester City now.
Chelsea v Hull City 2-1
It was a nice start to the season. This game moved and never got bogged down anywhere on the pitch. Hull City, some of its players mere hours with the team, certainly didn’t stand there waiting for Chelsea to slap them around. Chelsea retained a lot of the possession but squandered many chances at the Hull goal. Hull actually appeared dangerous every time they got close to Chelsea’s goal.
At almost 11 minutes in, Anelka had the ball in front of the Hull goal and appeared to pause, possibly thinking of pulling out the book Three-Dimensional Velocity and Vorticity Measuring and Image Analysis Techniques: Lecture Notes from the Short Course held in Zürich, Switzerland, 3-6 September 1996 by Th. Dracos, and think on his next step while a pair of stumbling and probably slightly confused Hull City defenders relieved him of the ball.
This was about the only moment that the match slowed down. Hull had a few shots at the Chelsea goal and then in the 27th minute Stephen Hunt, who had only been with Hull for 48 hours, shot a deflection from Obi Mikel into Chelsea’s net as the camera closed in on Carlo Ancelotti’s withering look. Hunt has few fans at Stamford Bridge and the booing was audible since he was the player in the Chelsea v Reading match in 2006 whose knee gave Cech a skull fracture.
Less than ten minutes later Drogba scored a beautiful penalty kick after having missed a boatload of shots at goal, arcing the ball over the Hull defenders where it made an emergency landing in the Hull City goal bringing the game to 1-1. Abramovich was giving out free high fives in the stands.
Just before the second half Malouda got blown across the turf by Bernard Mendy and rolled all the way to the betting advertisements and might have kept on rolling had the stands not been there. Mendy picked up the first yellow card of the new Premier League season.
The game did not slow down at all in the second half although most of it was spent in front of Hull’s goal – Chelsea constantly pounding the ball from no distance while Hull defenders kept clearing it only to have it come right back again. Hull had another chance in front of the Chelsea goal but all the players on both sides appeared to spontaneously fall down and the ball was escorted out by Essien.
Barmby kicked Ashley Cole right between the shoulder blades and possibly received the second yellow card of the season. In the next ten minutes Deco came on for Malouda, Geovanni for Mendy and Kalou for Anelka.
Chelsea was living in the Hull goal to the point where they could have gone to Ikea and picked out furniture for it but with ten minutes left the score remained 1-1. Que brooding, despondent shots of Roman Abramovich. Hull’s Michael Turner preserved the tie in the 90th minute by blocking a shot from Carvalho.
Then in the 91st minute Drogba chipped the ball into the goal from an acute angle (although perhaps Andrey Arshavin has permanently redefined acute). The game went to 97 minutes and 13 seconds before the final whistle was blown.
Chelsea still need to work on their finishing moves and Hull showed that they weren’t going to be pushovers despite not winning their last 23 games in the previous season. The Tigers could provide some entertaining matches for their fans this season while Chelsea seem determined to make their fans lose weight by sweating them until last minute goals are scored.
The English tradition of Alex Ferguson flipping out on a referee at the Community Shield match signals the start of the the Premier League Season this weekend. The transfer window begins to creak shut even though plenty of clubs have their wallets wide open and John Terry tries to calm England down by assuring them that the Lions will win the World Cup and in South Africa no less. No, I will not be watching England win the World Cup from a wheel chair, he seemed to say.
Fans of gritty, stream of consciousness previews of the Premier League (and who isn’t?) should head over to Sport is a TV Show whereas people who prefer to read their Premier League Previews on more solid ground that doesn’t involve going on a bender should check out twohundredpercent. There! I didn’t have to write a Premier League preview. Huzzah!
However, Newcastle United fans can go here. Yeah, I went there.
As you cobble together your fantasy football team in the flickering candlelight while the winds howl at your window be sure to read Zach Dundas as he delves into the sordid, obsessional world of fantasy football.
Meanwhile, Barry Glendenning casts fantasy football in the gray light of a late night anti-drug commercial wherein a sorrowful little orphan girl sniffles in the background while her foster parents, armed with a flaming baseball bat, chase a naked prostitute around the lawn.
As a reminder, you can join the iHooligan league over at http://fantasy.premierleague.com/ pass code is 126288-41700. I was lucky to float anonymously at mid-table last year whereas the year before my squad was beset by more injuries than the first 20 minutes of Saving Private Ryan while its bullet riddled body floated gently to the bottom. The only other inhabitant of the iHooligan league is my brother-in-law who created a squad last year and immediately abandoned it and let it go to seed like the governorship of Alaska.
And for an entirely different look at fictional football, run don’t walk over to Brian Phillips at Run of Play for an account of Mr. Phillip’s Pro Vercelli team rising from the sepia toned ashes of former glory in Football Manager 2009. Brian Phillips is portrayed as a sort of brusque and commanding Anthony Burgess character and an entire season wrought from machine code is brought into more brilliant life than most people can manage with the real thing.
I would have written more but not having any arms which forces me to peck at the keyboard with my nose puts a damper on things. Oh, all right, I’m a liar – a liar and a drunk with two perfectly good arms well suited for cutting limes and dumping ice cubes into a glass.
Now I am just going to sit here with a trembling finger over the delete key and await my three spam comments from Russia.
The author hard at work.
Sunderland should be cool this time around. Keane was not a good manager. Off the field he was a weak tactician, poor in the market and not a good leader of men strangely. This new Geordie bloke Bruce is like Sir Bobby Robson and like him he can transcend the divide and is a real gentleman to boot.
I think top ten is silly, Sunderland will likely finish 10 from bottom at best next season and that would be real progress; after that we are on the road with American money from Ellis Short, 10 years resident in the UK and a passionate soccer fan.
Eventually a stable Sunderland will attract players. £100k a week will attract enough quality despite the wags wanting Jimmy Chu. 45,000 fans at home every week will provide the income to support those kinds of salaries.
But in the end ‘the millionaires club‘ will triumph with the same strengths it has drawn on for for 100 years; the sons and daughters of miners, ship workers, labourers, farmers and skilled workers from Wearside and Durham and good folk like Sir Bobby; a Durham born lad of a breed who have an unmatched passion for their club. It’s an unwavering passion and in my lifetime Sunderland will triumph.